H U M O U R
By Frederick Karinthy
On The Train
Man (sitting near open window, grasps hat with both hands): Oh!
Friend: What’s the matter?
Man: The wind nearly blew my hat off.
Friend: It’s a good thing you caught it in time.
Man: I should say so. I paid a pound for it only yesterday.
Friend: That’s just what I mean. It would’ve been a pity if it’d been blown out of the window.
Man: My hat? My new hat? And what if it had been blown out?
Friend: I mean to say, then you’d have had to buy another one.
Man (angry): Why would I have had to buy another one?
Friend: Well, you can’t jump after it from a fast train.
Man: I can’t jump after it? Of course not. And I wouldn’t jump after it.
Friend: That’s just what I mean. You’d have lost your hat.
Man: My hat? No fear!
Friend: Well, would you have stopped the train?
Man (angry): Of course I’d have stopped the train.
Friend (laughing): They’d have fined you.
Man: What! They’d have fined me for wanting my hat back?
Friend: Surely you don’t think they’d let you stop the train just to pick up your hat?
Man (shouting): What the devil do you mean? I’m entitled to pick up my hat. I can’t jump off the train, and so I’ve a right to stop the train.
Thin Man: You’re right, sir. You’re entitled to stop it.
Fat Man: Nonsense. I’m in a hurry to get to Budapest, and I can’t have anyone stop the train on the way.
Man (to Fat Man): Really? Just because you’re in a hurry to get to Budapest I mustn’t pick up my hat?
Fat Man: You can eat your hat for all I care, but I’m not going to have anyone stop this train before we reach Budapest. I’m travelling express because I must be in Budapest by a certain time.
Man (purple with rage): So I can eat my hat, can I? Let me tell you this—I paid a pound for this hat only yesterday; will
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you buy me another one if it’s blown out of the window?
Fat Man: The hell I will.
Man: Then the train must stop.
Fat Man: It won’t stop. I paid for my ticket and I’ve a right to be conveyed in the quickest time. It won’t stop.
Man: And I paid for my new hat. It will stop.
Fat Man (beside himself): It won’t stop! I must be at the specialist’s by five o’clock—
Man: And I must go to the Ministry. I can’t go without a hat, in case I meet someone I must raise my hat to. Then you must pay for my hat!
Fat Man: Ridiculous!
Man (mad with rage): What?
You’re not going to pay for it? I’ll show you. (Reaches for communication cord.)
Fat Man: If you pull that cord I’ll brain you.
Others: He’s right . . . . The gentleman’s right . . . .
Still Others: He can’t do that. . . . Disgraceful. . . .
Man: How dare you threaten me? (Seizes cord.)
Fat Man throws himself upon him; they struggle; others join in; train reaches Budapest; all the passengers join in the fight; the mounted police are called out; the mob storms the railway station; martial law is proclaimed; Russia declares war on Japan.
The contributors to this issue
Frederick Karinthy
Hungary’s outstanding humorous journalist. He has written a funny article for his paper every day for 25 years. Recently underwent a serious operation for tumour, wrote an uproariously funny book about it while in bed and called himself “the first Hungarian tumourist.”
LILLIPUT appears on the 15th of each month
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